Standing Back Up
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today and I was almost shocked at the woman staring back at me. Seven months ago I never would have thought that I could be doing what I am doing now, hell I didn't think I could do anything at that point I had been beaten so far down from the person I was. For everyday the last nine years I have been battling the monsters inside me that try everyday to take me from this world, to take me away from my son who needs me. Up until September I thought those were the only monsters in my life, I had been blind to the fact that a real life monster slept under the same roof as me everyday. I was too afraid of the diseases taking me, too afraid of losing my son to let myself accept what was happening to me. Everyone tried for so long to help me see reality, but it wasn't something that could happen until I realized how far it had gotten, how far I had fallen, and in the end only I could be the one to stand back up and fight for both myself and my son.
It took me almost nine years to see what was happening right in front of my eyes, Prince Charming turned into a monster so slowly I just couldn't see. Our lives have never been easy, with me being sick, the doctors, ER visits, surgeries, hospital admissions, and not knowing what the next day would bring has always been the normal. Then when our son was diagnosed with autism we added meetings with caseworkers, specialists, special teachers, and behavioral specialists to the already chaotic schedule that we had with my medical situation. There is nothing easy about being sick or caring for someone who is sick, but there is really nothing easy about caring for a child with autism. Everything is a learning experience and the meltdowns are just part of everyday life, and not every person on the planet is built to handle that kind of stress. With all the stress in our lives it was easy for me to make excuses, to stay blind...I could blame his drinking on stress, then I could blame his rules on him just trying to manage the stress, and when he hit me I could always say that it was the stressed induced drinking that caused it. I had myself completely convinced that if you love a monster enough you can turn him back into Prince Charming. Only now, sitting here I can see the truth...Prince Charming was never real, it was the mask covering the monster blinding me and leading me into his cunning trap. A trap so elaborate that I didn't even realize it was a trap until I was so entangled in it I couldn't find a way out that wasn't going to hurt like hell one way or another.
I spent forever saying that I was going to leave, coming up with all of these plans that would work for myself and my son. In the end, the decision happened in an instant. I remember falling to the floor and before I even got back up on my feet I knew I was done, there would be no going back this time. Before I even had time to realize what I was doing I already had our bags packed, called someone to come get us, filed the protection order, and left town. Maybe it was adrenaline or just my own ability to shut out emotions, but nothing really became real to me until my son was tucked safely into bed and I was standing alone in the shower. It took me a minute to realize that it wasn't just water running down my face, and once that happened everything hit me like a truck. The only thing I could do was fall to my knees and let whatever was going to happen just happen. I had to cover my mouth so no one could hear me crying, I felt like I couldn't breathe, sitting there feeling so many emotions I could barely make sense of it all...one minute it was heartache, then guilt for what my child went through, fear, disbelief, anger, and pretty much every other emotion a person can feel.
I can't even say how long it lasted, but by the time the sobbing slowed and I caught my breath the water in the shower was cold. For a minute I didn't think I even had it in me to get off the floor, I was more exhausted than I had felt in awhile both physically and emotionally. I slowly got one foot on the ground, and realized it wasn't near as heavy as I thought. Before I knew it I was pulling myself up, standing back up a different person than I had been before I stepped into that shower. Despite my exhaustion and even the pain that still lurked in my heart I felt stronger and more free than I had in so many years. For the first time in so long I made a choice for myself, a choice for my child,,,I found it in me somewhere to be done. I never thought I would be able to stand up to him, never thought I could escape the monster. He had always managed to pull me back in by showing me glimpses of the prince he knew I loved so much. For the first time in nearly nine years I saw past the prince facade to the monster that was underneath.
I've discovered that standing up is just the beginning of starting over after so many years of living a certain way. Everyday has been a learning experience, some good and some bad. In all honesty I still smile more than I have in years. So, here I am...a single mom to a miraculous little boy with autism, battling my own medical issues, fighting through the thoughts that come in my head, and learning how to live again.
It took me almost nine years to see what was happening right in front of my eyes, Prince Charming turned into a monster so slowly I just couldn't see. Our lives have never been easy, with me being sick, the doctors, ER visits, surgeries, hospital admissions, and not knowing what the next day would bring has always been the normal. Then when our son was diagnosed with autism we added meetings with caseworkers, specialists, special teachers, and behavioral specialists to the already chaotic schedule that we had with my medical situation. There is nothing easy about being sick or caring for someone who is sick, but there is really nothing easy about caring for a child with autism. Everything is a learning experience and the meltdowns are just part of everyday life, and not every person on the planet is built to handle that kind of stress. With all the stress in our lives it was easy for me to make excuses, to stay blind...I could blame his drinking on stress, then I could blame his rules on him just trying to manage the stress, and when he hit me I could always say that it was the stressed induced drinking that caused it. I had myself completely convinced that if you love a monster enough you can turn him back into Prince Charming. Only now, sitting here I can see the truth...Prince Charming was never real, it was the mask covering the monster blinding me and leading me into his cunning trap. A trap so elaborate that I didn't even realize it was a trap until I was so entangled in it I couldn't find a way out that wasn't going to hurt like hell one way or another.
I spent forever saying that I was going to leave, coming up with all of these plans that would work for myself and my son. In the end, the decision happened in an instant. I remember falling to the floor and before I even got back up on my feet I knew I was done, there would be no going back this time. Before I even had time to realize what I was doing I already had our bags packed, called someone to come get us, filed the protection order, and left town. Maybe it was adrenaline or just my own ability to shut out emotions, but nothing really became real to me until my son was tucked safely into bed and I was standing alone in the shower. It took me a minute to realize that it wasn't just water running down my face, and once that happened everything hit me like a truck. The only thing I could do was fall to my knees and let whatever was going to happen just happen. I had to cover my mouth so no one could hear me crying, I felt like I couldn't breathe, sitting there feeling so many emotions I could barely make sense of it all...one minute it was heartache, then guilt for what my child went through, fear, disbelief, anger, and pretty much every other emotion a person can feel.
I can't even say how long it lasted, but by the time the sobbing slowed and I caught my breath the water in the shower was cold. For a minute I didn't think I even had it in me to get off the floor, I was more exhausted than I had felt in awhile both physically and emotionally. I slowly got one foot on the ground, and realized it wasn't near as heavy as I thought. Before I knew it I was pulling myself up, standing back up a different person than I had been before I stepped into that shower. Despite my exhaustion and even the pain that still lurked in my heart I felt stronger and more free than I had in so many years. For the first time in so long I made a choice for myself, a choice for my child,,,I found it in me somewhere to be done. I never thought I would be able to stand up to him, never thought I could escape the monster. He had always managed to pull me back in by showing me glimpses of the prince he knew I loved so much. For the first time in nearly nine years I saw past the prince facade to the monster that was underneath.
I've discovered that standing up is just the beginning of starting over after so many years of living a certain way. Everyday has been a learning experience, some good and some bad. In all honesty I still smile more than I have in years. So, here I am...a single mom to a miraculous little boy with autism, battling my own medical issues, fighting through the thoughts that come in my head, and learning how to live again.
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